Monday, March 16, 2015

New Apartment, Old Feelings

Our new apartment is coming together so well. As my friend Michelle said, when looking at the pictures, "You have real furniture! It looks like you're adults now!" Cause for celebration that at 24 and 29, Boyfriend and I have achieved adult-hood! Or, at least something that looks like it.

I'm happy. I love where our apartment is. I've never lived by things before. Growing up in West Haven, everything was at least a 20 minute drive away. Going out was a chore! Now, I can literally walk across the road to be at a coffee shop, hair salon, restaurant or grocery store. It is a good place to be for this stage of my life.

I love our apartment itself and the work that we are putting into making it feel like home. I even, I mean especially, love seeing Boyfriend every day. Even when we're bickering about junk being everywhere, and especially when we wind down at night, curling up on the couch.

Sometimes, something else creeps into this happiness and brings up old wounds. I've recently realized that I sorely underestimated grief: its process, its grip. I had an ugly marriage and a messy divorce that lasted too long. I don't talk about it to a lot of people, but I talk about it A LOT to a few people. This is the first time I decided I could write about it here, even a little bit. Though, I'm sure it wasn't hard to figure out. Two years ago I was writing about things I did with my ex, and then suddenly 95% of my blog posts disappeared and I was living alone. SURPRISE!

I've spent the last year and a half since things ended feeling so sad, and guilty. Even a year later, it would sometimes hit me out of nowhere and take my breath away.

Something has changed now, though. I thought I would move on and leave this behind me once I got over the sadness I was feeling. But, that thought process was leaving out everything else: the hurt, the anger, the bitterness. Anger at both myself and my ex. For letting myself be pushed around literally and figuratively, during the marriage and divorce. I am over being sad. I don't feel even a touch of guilt now. But, I'm filled with anger, the kind that balls up tight in your stomach.

The five stages of grief makes it seem like a step-by-step process. But it isn't. I jump around from angry to sad and depressed and denial of the facts. Sometimes, I feel everything all at once. It's a whirlwind! And, then, I feel stuck. Everything comes to a screeching halt and I'm just left with a jumble of emotions.

I'm starting to realize this won't go away, or not anytime soon. I am also beginning to understand that this is OK. It is OK to be mad sometimes without letting it overcome me. It is OK to feel things and not push them away or run until it doesn't feel so bad anymore. My goal for the next couple of months is to just be OK feeling things and understanding that this is a process that could last years. And in the meantime, while things sort themselves out, I'm going to keep enjoying where I am with life and Boyfriend, and being something that looks like an adult.

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