Thursday, August 13, 2015

Sometimes, I'm a butt head

Lately, I've been a bit of a butt head. Shocking!!! Because usually I'm so calm. Some of it is probably due to stress and being over-tired from work and school. Some of it has started to come up as Boyfriend and I move forward. I'm going to write about some of it here so I don't keep it bottled up, it's called "processing."

So, what does being a butt head involve?? Mostly, a lot of jealousy, snippishness and insecurities poking into my daily life, causing a ruckus. Some of these fears are leftover from my past and my horrendous marriage.

When I was younger, I never worried about people or families accepting me. Of course I didn't get along with everyone, but for the most part I assumed it was a given that people should be nice. My ex-in-laws and ex-husband destroyed this notion pretty quickly. My ex-mother in-law makes Professor Umbridge look like a doll and my ex-husband makes Sauron seem saintly.

In the short year I was married, I had never struggled with myself so much. It felt like nothing I did was ever right, I was constantly apologizing for offenses my mother in-law engineered, beating myself up and comparing myself to others.

During my marriage, when things were bad, my ex-husband used to tell me no one else would love me or know how to "deal" with me. He would ask rhetorical questions like, "Do you honestly think if you divorce me your family will still love you? If they know what you're really like?" I believed him. I was so scared and embarrassed. He had turned a marriage, where everything is shared, into a blackmail, hostage situation.

Believing him for a second was a second too long, but this went on for months until in December 2013 I realized I didn't care what he did anymore. I was exhausted. Even if no one loved me, I was still moving back to Utah. To be alone, to be whatever. An old boss had offered me a job so I knew I wouldn't starve.

Of course things turned out much better than this. After I left my ex made good on his "threats" and constantly messaged my family and friends to tell them how I awful I was. He mostly showed them what a jerk he really was.  My family supported me. They were thrilled and my mom said she's never been so happy as when I left him.

And, for the most part, I'm fine and moving on.

An example of a Boyfriend joke,
 drawing dinosaurs on the dressing room doors while I shop.
He is both funny and cute.
But, every once in awhile, and with stress more now than before, I find my old insecurities and gun-shy tendencies creeping up -- what if Boyfriend's family doesn't like me? What if I can't do anything right? What if he wishes I was someone else? What if I mess everything up?

During these times I again find myself apologizing for everything and beating myself up for being too fat, too ugly, too dumb, too silly, too clumsy, too much of everything awful. And it isn't just with Boyfriend. It hurts my relationships with friends and my own family.

Boyfriend is really great, but not perfect. He does his best to help me, but after awhile my insecurities start to affect us and chip away. Instead of laughing at his jokes and spending the day snuggling on the couch, I snap because of little things and start a fight or apologize and start crying.

I want to let us, be us without the past rearing its ugly head. I want to be able to learn from my marriage and let it make me stronger. To be fair, in a lot of ways it has. My friend Kent says that I could write my own relationship book based on the good things I have learned from the bad things I went through, and maybe he's right. I just need to implement what I've learned instead of reverting.

My goals are going to be focus on the small, good things that are going on right now. Take time to rest and not be overrun by school and work, when I get tired I'm more likely to do poorly (I think this is universal, right? Tired = grumpy).

Counseling isn't out of the question but it isn't an option I want to pursue right now. I had some really good help during and after the divorce and I don't think I need to go back right now. I'm going to be more mindful and maybe download an app or something, and of course listen to Katy Perry.

I'm a firm believer that there isn't anything Katy Perry can't fix, so I'm going to listen to her songs on repeat, especially Love Me, from her Prism album. Because, duh.

Eventually I want to be as happy in life, as Kitty is in this ray of sunshine!

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