Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Running ... Away Part 2

I didn't die!!

Poster Emily made me :D
Things went really well! I was slow and everything in my body hurts. It was a journey! I wanted to quit a hundred times and I went through the whole spectrum of emotions-- from deliriously happy, to so defeated. I am so glad I did it though. I listened to a ton of Taking Back Sunday and Katy Perry. The last few miles I had Roar on repeat.

I feel accomplished :) During the race, I reflected (because there was so much else to do) on my life. Not the whole 25 years, specifically the last two to three and everything that has changed.

I've done four marathons now. The first three very clearly marked major life events, I don't tend to be cheesy, but it feels symbolic. My first marathon was the day after my college graduation. Yep. That was how I chose to celebrate; in bed at 8 p.m. and up and out of the house by 6. It was a real party. The next was a few months later, just one week before I was getting married.

After I got married I didn't run for awhile. I said I got busy, tired, distracted ...when truthfully I got miserable. To steal from Ann Prachett's Sacrament of Divorce, "I knew how we treated each other, and it wasn't well." Being married didn't change how we treated each other either, in fact it made things worse; unhealthy and unsafe.

Eventually, I broke away and out of the cycle. Eighteen months after my last marathon, and with no training under my belt, I signed up for another race. This time I ran the 26.2 miles, three days before my divorce would be finalized. I don't know if it actually had anything to do with what was going on in my life at the time, but that race was euphoric. I had literally been running from so many things in my life that it felt good to work it out on the pavement.

Spencer, Paula, Me, Mom
This year, nothing big is happening. Not in my life at least. Except the realization that everything is OK. Well, not OK -- better than ever. It has been a wild ride, with some drastic changes, but I'm OK with them. I know that to be happy, I can't hold back. I don't regret anything, I'm not the least bit sorry and I would do it all again. Every. Single. Thing. Every "mistake". I have realized I don't want forgiveness from anyone but myself. Because all of my missteps got me to where I am today and that is a wonderful place to be.

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